Exam, Anxiety and Trichotillomania
TW: Trichotillomania, Hair Loss, Anxiety
Hello All!
As it does for many, this period marks the beginning of exam season for me. I don't really talk about trichotillomania as a separate or independent, partially due to the fashion in which I was diagnosed and partially because for me personally my trich is closely related to my anxiety disorder.
Trichotillomania is an incredibly complex and misunderstood condition. Translated as 'hair madness' is normally seen as quite manic or purposeful behaviour. For me sometimes it is. Sometimes when I am particularly stressed or overwhelmed I have a need to pull and it can seem quite aggressive. However, the majority of the time my trich is just me sitting at my desk with my hand in my hair (p.s. sorry but also not sorry if you ever sit next to me in the library and the table ends up covered in hair). For me playing with my hair has always been a comfort, as a child I would constantly be chewing on or fiddling with my hair. When I was a baby my mum even had to cut her hair short because it was getting so tangled and knotted where I would play with it! However, back then none of these behaviours were particularly concerning or damaging. Sure, sometimes hair would fall onto the pages of my school book, but it was only ever minimal amounts. Nothing to worry about, surely?
When I was 13 years old I discovered tweezers and the ability to pluck my eyebrows, causing me to lose half my eyebrows that first night. For the next few years I would have considerable autonomy over my plucking habit but I would become known for having thin eyebrows and occasionally over doing. It become what people considered my look and people would tell me how weird I'd look with fuller brows. It gave me a sense of relief and at the time it had a much smaller impact upon how I and others perceived me, only attracting minor commentary. However, my impulses massively escalated towards the end of my A-Level studies. I had been continuing to pluck through out the last 5 years or so and it was becoming ever clearer that I would never have Cara Delevingne brows, but I was completely unprepared for the sharp turn my condition would take. My anxiety disorder had worsened and become much harder to manage, with my upcoming exams having a considerable impact upon this change, and with it my trichotillomania began to take over. By the August of 2017 I had lost both my eyebrows and a large patch under my fringe. I say loss because it felt that significant, as if I was grieving. Sure I had lost hair before but never to such a large extent. In fact, I clearly remember the day that I had to tell the friends who had been supporting me that I had lost both brows, as well as the evening when most of the scalp damage occurred. It hurt, especially since this was a time that was supposed to be dedicated to celebration. It's hard for to look at last day of school and Prom pictures and see the damage. You are never defined by your appearance, but with trich your appearance has the capacity to take on a whole new meaning beyond how you look. When you see the patches and lost hairs you're not just seeing an altered appearance, you're seeing a mass of damage that you feel responsible for and you feel anger towards yourself. On top of all this I was dealing with people just telling me to stop and commenting upon how well or badly I had drawn my eyebrows that day, as if I had a say in any of this.
Trichotillomania doesn't have to be linked to anxiety or stress, and for many it isn't. Trich is a BFRB, a body-focused repetitive behaviour disorder, and has also been known as an impulse control disorder. As both of these names suggest Trich is not something that is within our control and is something that you can catch yourself doing regardless of activity or emotion. Even when I'm calm or happy I can often find myself with hairs on my t-shirt, especially if focused upon work. However, for me personally my Trich is always worsened by anxiety as it is sometimes a nervous behaviour or something I do for a sense of relief or to sooth myself. For this reason my Trich is always harder to cope with around exam periods. Recently this has caused me to become nervous, as I begin to find my hands gravitating towards my head or the tweezers, fearful I could lose a years progress. Over the last year I have found things that help, namely fidget toys and keeping gemstones in my exam pencil case. However, I think the most important thing for me personally to remember over the next month or two is not to feel guilty about my trich, because at the end of the day feeling anxious about the thing I do most when I'm anxious is only going to make me feel more anxious. It's never going to help. Striving to be Pull-Free, at least for me, would most probably do more harm then good.
Because I mainly focus upon my eyebrows and because Trich can be difficult to diagnosis or treat, I felt hesitant about using the word Trichotillomania for a long time, but as has been pointed out to me by friends it is a thing I struggle with and ultimately that word has helped me to find information and safe spaces. If you yourself are struggling with Trich or another BFRB I would just like you to know that you are not alone and I would ask you to focus on the things that make you awesome. You might have days you see your damage and it's really hard to see past, I'm not going to try and tell you it's just hair or it doesn't matter because I know it can be incredible difficult on both a visual and a more meaningful level. What I will say is that there are many things that I'm sure make you amazing that trich can't take away from you.
See you later Alligators x
IMAGE SOURCE: https://www.healthline.com/health/hair-pulling-more-than-a-fidget
Hello All!
As it does for many, this period marks the beginning of exam season for me. I don't really talk about trichotillomania as a separate or independent, partially due to the fashion in which I was diagnosed and partially because for me personally my trich is closely related to my anxiety disorder.
Trichotillomania is an incredibly complex and misunderstood condition. Translated as 'hair madness' is normally seen as quite manic or purposeful behaviour. For me sometimes it is. Sometimes when I am particularly stressed or overwhelmed I have a need to pull and it can seem quite aggressive. However, the majority of the time my trich is just me sitting at my desk with my hand in my hair (p.s. sorry but also not sorry if you ever sit next to me in the library and the table ends up covered in hair). For me playing with my hair has always been a comfort, as a child I would constantly be chewing on or fiddling with my hair. When I was a baby my mum even had to cut her hair short because it was getting so tangled and knotted where I would play with it! However, back then none of these behaviours were particularly concerning or damaging. Sure, sometimes hair would fall onto the pages of my school book, but it was only ever minimal amounts. Nothing to worry about, surely?
When I was 13 years old I discovered tweezers and the ability to pluck my eyebrows, causing me to lose half my eyebrows that first night. For the next few years I would have considerable autonomy over my plucking habit but I would become known for having thin eyebrows and occasionally over doing. It become what people considered my look and people would tell me how weird I'd look with fuller brows. It gave me a sense of relief and at the time it had a much smaller impact upon how I and others perceived me, only attracting minor commentary. However, my impulses massively escalated towards the end of my A-Level studies. I had been continuing to pluck through out the last 5 years or so and it was becoming ever clearer that I would never have Cara Delevingne brows, but I was completely unprepared for the sharp turn my condition would take. My anxiety disorder had worsened and become much harder to manage, with my upcoming exams having a considerable impact upon this change, and with it my trichotillomania began to take over. By the August of 2017 I had lost both my eyebrows and a large patch under my fringe. I say loss because it felt that significant, as if I was grieving. Sure I had lost hair before but never to such a large extent. In fact, I clearly remember the day that I had to tell the friends who had been supporting me that I had lost both brows, as well as the evening when most of the scalp damage occurred. It hurt, especially since this was a time that was supposed to be dedicated to celebration. It's hard for to look at last day of school and Prom pictures and see the damage. You are never defined by your appearance, but with trich your appearance has the capacity to take on a whole new meaning beyond how you look. When you see the patches and lost hairs you're not just seeing an altered appearance, you're seeing a mass of damage that you feel responsible for and you feel anger towards yourself. On top of all this I was dealing with people just telling me to stop and commenting upon how well or badly I had drawn my eyebrows that day, as if I had a say in any of this.
Trichotillomania doesn't have to be linked to anxiety or stress, and for many it isn't. Trich is a BFRB, a body-focused repetitive behaviour disorder, and has also been known as an impulse control disorder. As both of these names suggest Trich is not something that is within our control and is something that you can catch yourself doing regardless of activity or emotion. Even when I'm calm or happy I can often find myself with hairs on my t-shirt, especially if focused upon work. However, for me personally my Trich is always worsened by anxiety as it is sometimes a nervous behaviour or something I do for a sense of relief or to sooth myself. For this reason my Trich is always harder to cope with around exam periods. Recently this has caused me to become nervous, as I begin to find my hands gravitating towards my head or the tweezers, fearful I could lose a years progress. Over the last year I have found things that help, namely fidget toys and keeping gemstones in my exam pencil case. However, I think the most important thing for me personally to remember over the next month or two is not to feel guilty about my trich, because at the end of the day feeling anxious about the thing I do most when I'm anxious is only going to make me feel more anxious. It's never going to help. Striving to be Pull-Free, at least for me, would most probably do more harm then good.
Because I mainly focus upon my eyebrows and because Trich can be difficult to diagnosis or treat, I felt hesitant about using the word Trichotillomania for a long time, but as has been pointed out to me by friends it is a thing I struggle with and ultimately that word has helped me to find information and safe spaces. If you yourself are struggling with Trich or another BFRB I would just like you to know that you are not alone and I would ask you to focus on the things that make you awesome. You might have days you see your damage and it's really hard to see past, I'm not going to try and tell you it's just hair or it doesn't matter because I know it can be incredible difficult on both a visual and a more meaningful level. What I will say is that there are many things that I'm sure make you amazing that trich can't take away from you.
See you later Alligators x
IMAGE SOURCE: https://www.healthline.com/health/hair-pulling-more-than-a-fidget
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