Able and Disabled

TRIGGER WARNINGS: mental illness, depression, self-harm and trauma Hi There! Sorry to have kept quiet for a little bit there but as you may or may not know I have recently moved to India for the study abroad aspect of my degree! The last few weeks have been absolutely hectic, amazing and mind blowing so I thought I'd check in with you on quite an important topic; how I'm doing, how receiving mental health support aided my depression 'recovery' (which is a word I actually want to discuss) and how India surprisingly fits brilliantly with all of this. I feel that it's so important to discuss when things are getting better and becoming manageable because there are too many places on the internet where we can feed our depressive thoughts and not enough where we can receive hope. Between February and June of this year I was going through what was definitely the worst depressive episode of my entire life. I had external factors contributing to my poor mental health,...

Hey! I hope you are well! Today I wanted to talk about autism and the difficulties of achieving a healthy life balance. This is something I've really found myself struggling with over the last couple of years. One massive misunderstanding surrounding autism is that overload is purely sensory when in fact there are many other aspects which can contribute to feeling overload, including managing too much. I find that as an autistic person things that others may find easy to cope with or ordinary tasks can be a lot more tasking for myself and mentally draining, making it harder to balance lots of things at once. When I was younger I very much thrived on routine and the fact that I had very few things to focus on; my main responsibility was my education and I had particular social groups I attended on particular days, that worked well for me. Since the age of about 16 I've learnt that adult life isn't quite as simple as that, as it encompasses many other rewarding but challe...

Hey! I hope you are well! I've been SUPER busy with my new job so apologies if I've been a bit quiet online recently. In the search for coping mechanisms to help me manage my own well being and working full-time I've been dive back into the online autistic community and it's raised a question for myself: what if I had been diagnosed earlier? That's what I want to talk about today. One of the loudest arguments I hear for the hesitation around diagnosing young people as autistic is that it places a label on them too early in life. As someone who was diagnosed a bit later than you'd normally expect I see serious issues with this argument. As an undiagnosed autistic person I spent years having labels put on me; weird, socially awkward, annoying, basically every label but the correct one; autistic. All these incorrect labels were the truly detrimental ones, the ones that knocked my confidence. The correct diagnosis of autism isn't just a label, it's under...

Hey! I hope you are all doing so well. Thank you so much for being patient while I took a small break. As those of you who have read my previous posts may know I have been going through a rather difficult depressive episode and anxious period. One thing I haven't yet talked about is the toxic living situation which had in fact worsened my mental state and heavily affected my self esteem and worth. While I don't wish to go into detail about the exact nature of this situation, what I would like to talk about today is how being in a much more supportive environment has massively helped me start moving forward. Leaving my previous living situation I was struggling with an excessive amount of anxiety and extremely poor self esteem. I had left with a conditioned fear of upsetting or angering those around me, and I was carrying a lot of trauma from being trapped in a situation in which you are constantly being torn down. I felt like my nature as an autistic and anxious individual ha...

Hey! I hope you've had a great week and if you were involved I hope you had a fab Autism Awareness Week! Today I wanted to talk about autism again because something I experience a lot, including recently, is people questioning how autistic I am. Quite often the way it's worded isn't suggesting that I'm not autistic but rather that I'm not THAT autistic, which is still frustrating because it can feel like the ways in which I do struggle are being undermined. Today I thought I'd talk about why this might be an impression that some people have of me and why it can be SUPER annoying! First, different people see different sides of me. This can be for a number of reasons; how close we are, what kind of situations we experience together and how often we see each other. Masking is a common trait among those on the spectrum. It's not so much that we're being fact, we're still us, but simply that we might be focusing really hard on things such as social sk...

Hey! I hope that everyone, both those who are neurodiverse and those who are not, is having an awesome Autism Awareness Week! This week is a great opportunity to share and hear many amazing stories from those on the spectrum, and potentially learn something new whether you are autistic or not! Today, at the halfway mark of the week, I thought that I would share a slightly fuller story of my experience with autism as an autistic person who was diagnosed less than a year ago. Around the time of my diagnosis I did share what that process was like for me. However, many of those who received later ASC (Autism Spectrum Condition) or ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) diagnosis will tell you, your story is never quite as simple as having a suspicion, seeing a doctor and being diagnosed. That is what I wanted to talk about today. (Freya is 12 years old and standing in a rock pool, looking rather cold) In my diagnosis post I spoke about seeing a doctor about my experiences during sixth f...

Hey! Hope you are well! Sorry for the short break, things are really tough at the moment but I am working on getting help. But I'm back, and just in time for Autism Awareness Week! This last year, following my own diagnosis of ASC (Autism Spectrum Condition) last summer, autism has kind of become it's own special interest for me. This isn't uncommon from what I've heard of other's diagnosis experiences, many of us on the spectrum enjoy intense research and figuring things out and a diagnosis which could help to explain a lifetime of difficulties is a big deal. A big part of this year has been figuring out what autism means for me and raising awareness to the fact that I am autistic to those around me, both for my own sake and for the wider community. My first AAW has come at a weird time for me. My mental health is in a very difficult place right now, as I continue to struggle with depression and anxiety as well as the consequences of how I deal with these conditi...

Hey! Sorry that it's been a hot second. Things have a bit a lot lately and I've been find it really tough. Part of this has been my struggle with the mental health system. My mental health has suffered lately, bringing my depression to the centre of my health struggles as my biggest challenge. It's been hard and perhaps the hardest part has been feeling unable to access the support I need. Don't get me wrong, I am INCREDIBLY grateful for the NHS and to live in a country where there are a lot of free options for medical help, but that doesn't mean that the system is perfect. Trusts are uncommunicative, waiting lists are exceedingly long, choices of types of mental health support can be limited. It can often feel like you need to be on the brink before you can access help, as though treatment is retrospective rather than preventative. The government can say that they are increasing funding in the mental health sector and that they are doing all they can to fight s...

Hey! I hope you're well and have been taking good care of yourself. If you read my last post you may remember that one aspect of my recent difficulties has been a recent increase in my hair pulling, a behaviour linked to an impulse control disorder I have called trichotillomania. If you've never heard of this condition (trust me you're not alone!) the NHS defines the disorder as  " when someone can't resist the urge to pull out their hair." It is often classified as an Impulse Control Disorder, or more recently a BFRB, which stands for Body Focused Repetitive Behaviour. The most important thing to remember about Trich is that regardless of whether the individual is pulling consciously or subconsciously they most likely have no control over this behaviour. There is a very good reason why it is understood as a disorder of one's ability to control the particular impulse to pull. I've been struggling with Trichotillomania for somewhere around seven yea...

Hey! I've been having a shit time recently and I've been struggling to talk about that truth. Being able to admit to anyone that I've been struggling with my mental health has taken me about five months. Anyone who follows my blog will know that I am the biggest advocate for breaking down the stigma surrounding mental health and being open about our personal battles, but sometimes that is easier said than done and we shouldn't be judged when we struggle to be open. Mental health is an incredibly difficult thing to deal with because you are ill but you can also have your brain telling you that you have no reason to be ill or that it's shameful to be ill or that it's your own fault to be ill (which are all lies of course). However, right now I feel like I need to talk and I want to talk so that's what I'm going to do. TRIGGER WARNINGS: Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, Trichotillomania, Mental Health ❤ I don't really feel like discussing the...

Hey! Hope you are well. I've been pretty overwhelmed recently but today I wanted to discuss the access to BSL (British Sign Language) within our community. I've personally wanted to start learning BSL for sometime now, but along with being busy it's difficult to know my place within this particular space. BSL isn't just for the severely deaf but is used by many within the hard of hearing community who may struggle with clarity or understanding. Furthermore, sign language can be used by many without hearing problems but who struggle with communication for any reason, such as those living on the autistic spectrum. My hearing loss is mild. In 1:1 conversations or when I'm watching something on my own I can cope without my hearing aids. However, in loud or heightened social situations I can definitely struggle to gain clarity and fully know what is going on around me. In these kinds of circumstances knowing some basic BSL and being able to share that knowledge with ...

Hey! I hope you are well and having a fantastic 2019 so far! I can't believe that we are already halfway through the first month of the year! Today I wanted to talk about cerebral palsy, a topic I haven't focused very much recently. Even though cerebral palsy affects me in many ways every single day, I no longer receive regular medical attention for this particular facet of my disability and not a lot changes in my condition. For this reason I perhaps talk about cerebral palsy a little less; it's the diagnosis I've lived with the longest and is the most stagnant. However, I recently made the decision to purchase myself a walking stick and thought this may be a good experience to share. As I have already mentioned, I don't really see any doctors or other medical professionals on the basis of cerebral palsy anymore, meaning that the decision to get a stick was entirely my own. I don't think that this fact makes my decision or use of a walking stick any less va...

Hey! Hope you are well! Sorry for the slight break in posts over Christmas, I just felt that following some of my difficulties at the end of last term I needed that time to take care of myself and relieve some of the pressure I felt under. Now I am back and I'm looking forward to a whole new year of content and conversation, especially since there will be so much to talk about, such as my year abroad and turning 21! It looks as though there will lots of new, exciting things happening on this blog in 2019! Mental health and the new year is what I wanted to talk about today. New Year's Resolutions are always an interesting topic; some people make them and some people don't, some people stick to them and some people abandon them. My New Year's Resolutions last year were very focused upon work and productivity. My focus was mostly upon getting a job, saving money and specific grade goals, and while all these goals were incredibly important at the time and I still want t...

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Anxiety, Stress, Mental Health Hey! I hope you've been well. Honestly, I've been finding the last couple of weeks very challenging; physically and emotionally. To anyone who has spent time with me recently this will not be a surprise. This first term has been tough and it has knocked me and it has tired me, and it is only now that I've started to show myself my kind of compassion that I have needed. Today I thought that I'd talk a little about my recent experiences with burnout, stress and mental health as an autistic person with mental health and physical health challenges, partially for awareness and partially to let anyone who is having a difficult time right now know that they are not alone and that it is okay to struggle. I have always been one to push myself and expect myself to be capable of doing more and more; in short I have never been very good at showing kindness to myself. I have always been heavily critical of myself and have always...

Hey All! Something that a lot of people may not know about me is that I perform as a drag king at my university, essentially meaning that every couple of months or so I adorn a suit and mustache and lip sync to my heart's content. What I wanted to talk about today is the relationship between my performance and my autism and my anxiety and how being a drag king has helped me. I thought that now would be a good time to talk about this part of my life and how it intertwines with some of my struggles because I have a show tonight, so wish me luck! I perform as Lord Edwards at my university, a dapper and fabulous man who loves to dance and perform (often in purple glitter!) I don't know if I could say that Lord Edwards isn't autistic because ultimately he shares a lot of my quirkiness and eccentricity, parts of myself which may be difficult to separate from my autistic identity. This isn't to say that autism is my personality, but rather that the two can be difficult to ...

Hey All! Sorry for my absence last week. Things haven't been overly easy recently and I needed to focus on coping with the basics for a little while but today I'm back to have an honest chat about the importance of speaking out about mental health, why this can be difficult and why it is especially important not to feel bad for struggling. Over the last term I have been struggling, both with individual circumstances and with my mental health but I really want to work on my self-compassion and being open when I am having a difficult time. Ultimately that is exactly the kind of thing that all my work on here and with #InvisiblyValid is all about, overcoming stigma and feeling valid in our experiences. Having found myself struggling with anxiety and mood related issues throughout my life I have and still do experience the difficulties attached to being open about your mental health struggles. I think it's especially important to recognise that stigma isn't overcome onc...

Hey All, Unsurprisingly, following my diagnosis in the summer autism has become sort of its own special interest in my life. This is an experience which I have heard a few different people talk about online and it is my opinion that this comes from our instinctive need to research and understand. At least personally the way I process things is often by learning about them, meaning that the way I process is often less emotional and more informative. For this reason I have read a lot of books about autism in the months after my diagnosis. I think that this way of processing the diagnosis is more common than we may think, a fact that is suggested to me in part because I was actually recommended a few different books on my diagnosis letter. I have read several books and have found helpful parts in all of them, whether they be fiction, non-fiction or more of a memoir. However, I recently read 'Odd Girl Out' by Laura James and this was a book that I not only found useful but also f...

Hey All! I'm sorry that this week's post is a day late. I took some time last night to be with friends and breathe. It's this current need for breathing space which I would like to talk about this evening. We all have the capacity for overload and stress but I do believe that there is an additional element of natural anxiety that may need considering. Today has been a tough day for me in some ways. There's been a lot that I am learning to balance, some old things in new combinations, like friendships and university, and some completely new things, such as work, and today I think it all got the better of me a bit today, making the day a bit of a challenge. However, what I think usual doesn't help, and for me this was something I have been struggling with, is the pressure to be productive. We live in a world where your value as an individual is too often based upon what you can offer and what you can achieve. While it is often positive to encourage others to aim h...

Hi Guys! Sorry for not posting as usual on Wednesday. I've actually got a bit of a cold at the moment and I thought that's what I would talk today; disability and illness. Obviously many of those who live with chronic illness would identify themselves as disability but today what I want to talk about is rather the experience of minor illness or sickness (e.g. bugs, flus, etc.) with disability, as I think it's not something that is often talked about. I would like to talk about sickness in regards to both physical and neurological disabilities and why being sick when you already live with other conditions can be a potentially frustrating experience. Please remember that when I am talking about physical symptoms that I am not a professional and that I am only talking from personal experience. I think the experience of disability and sickness that is most understood is that of physical disability. It is completely understandable that if you already live and experience a c...