Trichotillomania: Trying to Remember that Relapse isn't Failure ❤
Hey!
I hope you're well and have been taking good care of yourself. If you read my last post you may remember that one aspect of my recent difficulties has been a recent increase in my hair pulling, a behaviour linked to an impulse control disorder I have called trichotillomania. If you've never heard of this condition (trust me you're not alone!) the NHS defines the disorder as "when someone can't resist the urge to pull out their hair." It is often classified as an Impulse Control Disorder, or more recently a BFRB, which stands for Body Focused Repetitive Behaviour. The most important thing to remember about Trich is that regardless of whether the individual is pulling consciously or subconsciously they most likely have no control over this behaviour. There is a very good reason why it is understood as a disorder of one's ability to control the particular impulse to pull.
I've been struggling with Trichotillomania for somewhere around seven years now. I first remember doing serious damage to my eyebrows when I was about thirteen just before visiting nan, meaning that my parents needed to notify her in advance of the damage and my subsequent insecurity. Trichotillomania is a difficult issue because mental illness and Trich aren't necessarily co-dependent but they can be easily intertwined. For this reason I don't have to be anxious or low to pull but if I am the likelihood of a major pulling period is increased. It is on this reasoning that I have concluded that it is probable that I would pulling at this time regardless but that it has been worsened by current struggles.
My recent struggle with trichotillomania has been a rather scary one. I am used to losing hair at this point but this time has been different for a couple of reasons. At this point in my life I am finding myself in more situations where the physical manifestations of my pulling are more of a potential problem, making me more nervous about the possible consequences of my disorder. Trichotillomania is still not widely known or well-understood. For this reason I initially banned myself from pulling my eyebrows, as the results of this kind of pulling is often evident and difficult to hide. The problem with this plan is that it failed to account for the fact that that I was likely to pull from elsewhere. Before my pulling areas were only really my eyebrows and my hairline beneath my fringe, but as a result of this personal restriction I have myself pulling from the top of my head for the first time, leaving a noticeable patch which I don't know how to cover.
Trichotillomania is about more than the appearance of hair loss, it is often about the fact that you're the cause of your own hair loss. Sure, it is horrible to look at your hair and see patches and damage, but it also the guilt, anger and embarrassment that comes as a result of your own condition. Additionally, it is hard managing the consequences when you identify as an androgynous and non-binary young adult. A large majority of wigs and hair loss solutions are designed for the older generation or more feminine identifying individuals. I don't want long hair, I just want hair.
I am lucky. I have incredibly supportive friends and family who love me regardless of how I look and don't judge me. But that doesn't make this easy, just easier. In the last couple of weeks I have lost over a year's worth of progress and caused additional damage. This is a real thing in my life right now and it will probably result in some difficult decisions in the near future. I wanted to talk about it to let other Trichsters know that they're not alone.
Just remember you are beautiful beyond your hair.
See you later Alligators!
Love Freya x
Photo: Freya October 2017, during period of eyebrow damage
I've been struggling with Trichotillomania for somewhere around seven years now. I first remember doing serious damage to my eyebrows when I was about thirteen just before visiting nan, meaning that my parents needed to notify her in advance of the damage and my subsequent insecurity. Trichotillomania is a difficult issue because mental illness and Trich aren't necessarily co-dependent but they can be easily intertwined. For this reason I don't have to be anxious or low to pull but if I am the likelihood of a major pulling period is increased. It is on this reasoning that I have concluded that it is probable that I would pulling at this time regardless but that it has been worsened by current struggles.
My recent struggle with trichotillomania has been a rather scary one. I am used to losing hair at this point but this time has been different for a couple of reasons. At this point in my life I am finding myself in more situations where the physical manifestations of my pulling are more of a potential problem, making me more nervous about the possible consequences of my disorder. Trichotillomania is still not widely known or well-understood. For this reason I initially banned myself from pulling my eyebrows, as the results of this kind of pulling is often evident and difficult to hide. The problem with this plan is that it failed to account for the fact that that I was likely to pull from elsewhere. Before my pulling areas were only really my eyebrows and my hairline beneath my fringe, but as a result of this personal restriction I have myself pulling from the top of my head for the first time, leaving a noticeable patch which I don't know how to cover.
Trichotillomania is about more than the appearance of hair loss, it is often about the fact that you're the cause of your own hair loss. Sure, it is horrible to look at your hair and see patches and damage, but it also the guilt, anger and embarrassment that comes as a result of your own condition. Additionally, it is hard managing the consequences when you identify as an androgynous and non-binary young adult. A large majority of wigs and hair loss solutions are designed for the older generation or more feminine identifying individuals. I don't want long hair, I just want hair.
I am lucky. I have incredibly supportive friends and family who love me regardless of how I look and don't judge me. But that doesn't make this easy, just easier. In the last couple of weeks I have lost over a year's worth of progress and caused additional damage. This is a real thing in my life right now and it will probably result in some difficult decisions in the near future. I wanted to talk about it to let other Trichsters know that they're not alone.
Just remember you are beautiful beyond your hair.
See you later Alligators!
Love Freya x
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