Able and Disabled

Hi there! I know that's it's been a while since I've posted here. Being on my year abroad and consequently coming back from my year abroad were big challenges for me and I felt like I needed some time to just readjust and settle back in at home, but today I felt like I really need to speak so I'm back! I know it's been said a million times already but we are truly living in 'unprecedented' times and I hope you are all staying well and safe. I also hope you are trying to be responsible in how you engage with the outside world and those around you. However, what I want to talk about today isn't the pandemic itself, but rather what life will look for those of us who are disabled and/or neurodiverse post-pandemic. Obviously we are no where near going back to complete normality right now but, at least in the UK, rules are starting to relax and the world around us is starting to open up again, be it slowly. This has got me thinking about the challenges po...

Hey! I hope you are well! Today I wanted to talk about autism and the difficulties of achieving a healthy life balance. This is something I've really found myself struggling with over the last couple of years. One massive misunderstanding surrounding autism is that overload is purely sensory when in fact there are many other aspects which can contribute to feeling overload, including managing too much. I find that as an autistic person things that others may find easy to cope with or ordinary tasks can be a lot more tasking for myself and mentally draining, making it harder to balance lots of things at once. When I was younger I very much thrived on routine and the fact that I had very few things to focus on; my main responsibility was my education and I had particular social groups I attended on particular days, that worked well for me. Since the age of about 16 I've learnt that adult life isn't quite as simple as that, as it encompasses many other rewarding but challe...

Hey! I hope you are well! I've been SUPER busy with my new job so apologies if I've been a bit quiet online recently. In the search for coping mechanisms to help me manage my own well being and working full-time I've been dive back into the online autistic community and it's raised a question for myself: what if I had been diagnosed earlier? That's what I want to talk about today. One of the loudest arguments I hear for the hesitation around diagnosing young people as autistic is that it places a label on them too early in life. As someone who was diagnosed a bit later than you'd normally expect I see serious issues with this argument. As an undiagnosed autistic person I spent years having labels put on me; weird, socially awkward, annoying, basically every label but the correct one; autistic. All these incorrect labels were the truly detrimental ones, the ones that knocked my confidence. The correct diagnosis of autism isn't just a label, it's under...

Good Afternoon, I hope you having an absolutely glorious summer whether you are. Today's topic isn't exactly the most cheerful, sunny topic. Having recently finished university for the year I have been looking for some work so that I can support myself in London for the summer. Trying to get a job is rarely easy for anyone, however the system is undoubtedly ableist. We live in a society where the goal is so often making money and if working with so one requires a change of perspective or environment then that is seen as a frustrating obstacle rather than opportunity to work with a new person with potential skills and experiences. It's true, being disabled or someone who struggles with mental health does increase your life admin, but it kinda puts a bad taste in my mouth when I'm turned away from a full time position because I have regular appointments. This summer I have also found my autism has been a greater challenge in finding employment. It's hard to not fe...

Hey! I hope you've had a great week and if you were involved I hope you had a fab Autism Awareness Week! Today I wanted to talk about autism again because something I experience a lot, including recently, is people questioning how autistic I am. Quite often the way it's worded isn't suggesting that I'm not autistic but rather that I'm not THAT autistic, which is still frustrating because it can feel like the ways in which I do struggle are being undermined. Today I thought I'd talk about why this might be an impression that some people have of me and why it can be SUPER annoying! First, different people see different sides of me. This can be for a number of reasons; how close we are, what kind of situations we experience together and how often we see each other. Masking is a common trait among those on the spectrum. It's not so much that we're being fact, we're still us, but simply that we might be focusing really hard on things such as social sk...

Hey! Sorry that it's been a hot second. Things have a bit a lot lately and I've been find it really tough. Part of this has been my struggle with the mental health system. My mental health has suffered lately, bringing my depression to the centre of my health struggles as my biggest challenge. It's been hard and perhaps the hardest part has been feeling unable to access the support I need. Don't get me wrong, I am INCREDIBLY grateful for the NHS and to live in a country where there are a lot of free options for medical help, but that doesn't mean that the system is perfect. Trusts are uncommunicative, waiting lists are exceedingly long, choices of types of mental health support can be limited. It can often feel like you need to be on the brink before you can access help, as though treatment is retrospective rather than preventative. The government can say that they are increasing funding in the mental health sector and that they are doing all they can to fight s...

Hey! I hope you're well and have been taking good care of yourself. If you read my last post you may remember that one aspect of my recent difficulties has been a recent increase in my hair pulling, a behaviour linked to an impulse control disorder I have called trichotillomania. If you've never heard of this condition (trust me you're not alone!) the NHS defines the disorder as  " when someone can't resist the urge to pull out their hair." It is often classified as an Impulse Control Disorder, or more recently a BFRB, which stands for Body Focused Repetitive Behaviour. The most important thing to remember about Trich is that regardless of whether the individual is pulling consciously or subconsciously they most likely have no control over this behaviour. There is a very good reason why it is understood as a disorder of one's ability to control the particular impulse to pull. I've been struggling with Trichotillomania for somewhere around seven yea...

Hey! I've been having a shit time recently and I've been struggling to talk about that truth. Being able to admit to anyone that I've been struggling with my mental health has taken me about five months. Anyone who follows my blog will know that I am the biggest advocate for breaking down the stigma surrounding mental health and being open about our personal battles, but sometimes that is easier said than done and we shouldn't be judged when we struggle to be open. Mental health is an incredibly difficult thing to deal with because you are ill but you can also have your brain telling you that you have no reason to be ill or that it's shameful to be ill or that it's your own fault to be ill (which are all lies of course). However, right now I feel like I need to talk and I want to talk so that's what I'm going to do. TRIGGER WARNINGS: Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, Trichotillomania, Mental Health ❤ I don't really feel like discussing the...

Hey! Hope you are well! Sorry for the slight break in posts over Christmas, I just felt that following some of my difficulties at the end of last term I needed that time to take care of myself and relieve some of the pressure I felt under. Now I am back and I'm looking forward to a whole new year of content and conversation, especially since there will be so much to talk about, such as my year abroad and turning 21! It looks as though there will lots of new, exciting things happening on this blog in 2019! Mental health and the new year is what I wanted to talk about today. New Year's Resolutions are always an interesting topic; some people make them and some people don't, some people stick to them and some people abandon them. My New Year's Resolutions last year were very focused upon work and productivity. My focus was mostly upon getting a job, saving money and specific grade goals, and while all these goals were incredibly important at the time and I still want t...

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Anxiety, Stress, Mental Health Hey! I hope you've been well. Honestly, I've been finding the last couple of weeks very challenging; physically and emotionally. To anyone who has spent time with me recently this will not be a surprise. This first term has been tough and it has knocked me and it has tired me, and it is only now that I've started to show myself my kind of compassion that I have needed. Today I thought that I'd talk a little about my recent experiences with burnout, stress and mental health as an autistic person with mental health and physical health challenges, partially for awareness and partially to let anyone who is having a difficult time right now know that they are not alone and that it is okay to struggle. I have always been one to push myself and expect myself to be capable of doing more and more; in short I have never been very good at showing kindness to myself. I have always been heavily critical of myself and have always...

Hey All! Something that a lot of people may not know about me is that I perform as a drag king at my university, essentially meaning that every couple of months or so I adorn a suit and mustache and lip sync to my heart's content. What I wanted to talk about today is the relationship between my performance and my autism and my anxiety and how being a drag king has helped me. I thought that now would be a good time to talk about this part of my life and how it intertwines with some of my struggles because I have a show tonight, so wish me luck! I perform as Lord Edwards at my university, a dapper and fabulous man who loves to dance and perform (often in purple glitter!) I don't know if I could say that Lord Edwards isn't autistic because ultimately he shares a lot of my quirkiness and eccentricity, parts of myself which may be difficult to separate from my autistic identity. This isn't to say that autism is my personality, but rather that the two can be difficult to ...

Hi Guys! Sorry for not posting as usual on Wednesday. I've actually got a bit of a cold at the moment and I thought that's what I would talk today; disability and illness. Obviously many of those who live with chronic illness would identify themselves as disability but today what I want to talk about is rather the experience of minor illness or sickness (e.g. bugs, flus, etc.) with disability, as I think it's not something that is often talked about. I would like to talk about sickness in regards to both physical and neurological disabilities and why being sick when you already live with other conditions can be a potentially frustrating experience. Please remember that when I am talking about physical symptoms that I am not a professional and that I am only talking from personal experience. I think the experience of disability and sickness that is most understood is that of physical disability. It is completely understandable that if you already live and experience a c...

Hey All! I hope everyone is well! For those of us at university term one is now in full swing. At this point it is easy and understandable to start feeling a little overwhelmed. I know that with both university and work, I have found myself experiencing an increase in instances of overload, particularly as a student with autism. It is often part of student and autistic nature to want to push through the overload, meltdowns and shutdowns and keep on working but too often this is actually the worst thing you can do. Sure, you need to keep on top of assignments and due dates but it is also important not to push yourself too far because if you burn out it is likely you'll struggle to do anything at all. As an autistic individual I find myself often seeking and relying upon routine and plans. In order to prevent myself overwhelmed and make sure that everything gets done I've been creating weekly schedules for myself, containing my classes, shifts and the work I need to do at hom...

Hey All! Sorry for the delay in posting, it's been kind of a hectic week! That's actually part of why I've chosen to talk about 'Functioning Labels' today. Both those within and outside of the autistic community will be aware of the phrases 'High Functioning' and 'Low Functioning' but less people will probably be aware of the controversy surrounding them. I've heard several different people define these terms several different ways. Some people use quite a broad definition of 'High Functioning,' using it to mean anyone they deem to be 'coping,' while others seem to use a very specific definition as a reference to average IQ and the ability to talk. Regardless of the exact intended meaning of these phrases many of us believe them to be outdated and unhelpful. There are two primary problems with the use of 'Functioning Labels' and this is what I wish to discuss. Firstly, we don't always feel 'High Functioning....

To mask means to cover or to conceal one's face but within the Autism community 'masking' is thought to have somewhat of a metaphorical definition. 'Masking' with autism refers to the act of camouflaging one's autistic traits, or pretending to be neurotypical. In the eyes of some this may suggest that the individual who is 'masking' isn't autistic at all but despite potential appearances, 'masking' does not come easily and can result in the same meltdowns experience post-overload. 'Masking' can entirely drain one's energy support while simultaneously preventing the individual from accessing the support they need, as one's efforts can make those around them entirely oblivious to the fact that they are struggling. 'Masking' is not the walk in the park or deceitful play that others might believe it to be. We are becoming increasingly aware of the fact that women experience autism differently and part of that seems to be...

Hey All! The last month or so has been incredibly stressful for me! As we near ever closer to the beginning of the new academic year for those starting or returning to university, I've personally had a lot to organise, primarily my flat, my courses and job applications. Adulting can be difficult at the best of times, but add the capacity for becoming overwhelmed that so often comes with autism and it can quickly become even harder! I think the primary reasons why my ability to become overwhelmed makes admin and adulting a little more challenging for me personally is that it involves a lot of organisation and is very often social intense. I don't wish to speak for everyone on the spectrum but I do feel like having a condition which is characterised by difficulty with communication and processing information makes 'adult' tasks a little extra challenging. There's emails and phone calls and meetings and numbers and dates and to do lists. When your takes in absolute...

Hey Everyone! What I want to talk about today is a slightly different and complex issue; feeling confident when claiming multiple diagnoses or labels. There are hopefully lots of people who have no problem being confident when saying they have several diagnoses, but for others it may be a little more difficult. In a society that so often invalidates disability, especially when they are invisible or fluctuating, is it is understandable that some individuals may struggle to not feel like an imposter when declaring a handful of different diagnoses. In the UK we live in a society where people are frequently doubting disabled folks' rights to use accessible parking spaces and are often accusing disabled individuals of faking to receive benefits. This sense of insecurity can be heightened when someone is experiencing multiple diagnoses, resulting in increased self-doubt and comments like "can you really have all of those conditions?" or "that's a weird coincidence!...

Hey Everyone! I have always been a restless person. As a child I found it especially difficult to stay still, and now I am able to recognise much of my fidgety behaviour as stimming. Particular methods of stimming or particular movements that I have been able to recognise seem to be heightened when I am especially under or over stimulated. When I am bored or there is little going on I have always tended to bite my nails, chew on my clothes or bounce my legs. When I am excited or anxious I jump, skip, flap my hands and also bounce my legs. I find such movements soothing and also balancing when the situation is either too much or too little. While such behaviour was not recognised as stimming when I was child I am now able to reflect and recognise it as such. Particular examples that spring to mind include chewing on my school uniform and hair, bouncing around and swinging my arms. Of course, as this description would suggest, stimming behaviour can be performed using only what a perso...