I've been struggling lately and I'm trying to be okay with that ❤

Hey!

I've been having a shit time recently and I've been struggling to talk about that truth. Being able to admit to anyone that I've been struggling with my mental health has taken me about five months. Anyone who follows my blog will know that I am the biggest advocate for breaking down the stigma surrounding mental health and being open about our personal battles, but sometimes that is easier said than done and we shouldn't be judged when we struggle to be open. Mental health is an incredibly difficult thing to deal with because you are ill but you can also have your brain telling you that you have no reason to be ill or that it's shameful to be ill or that it's your own fault to be ill (which are all lies of course). However, right now I feel like I need to talk and I want to talk so that's what I'm going to do.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, Trichotillomania, Mental Health ❤

I don't really feel like discussing the particular situations that have contributed to my recent struggles because I don't want my sharing to create damage within my personal life. However, what I can say is that I was already in a difficult place before the arising of certain negative situations in my life but these stressful and hurtful situations haven't done any good for my mental health. I think is sometimes hard for those of us who struggle with our mental health because we live in a society that likes to think of mental distress as entirely internal or external; the way that many people see it is that it is either entirely in our heads or entirely contextual. This isn't always the case. I am an individual who already struggles with diagnosed anxiety and someone who has experienced what seems to be depressive episodes in the past, having experienced an especially difficult one the summer before moving to university. However, I am also someone whose been forced to deal with quite a lot of crappy, tangible situations lately. The combination of these two facts makes it unsurprising that my mental wellbeing has hit a real low lately.

There are two main reasons that I am able to tell that my current state isn't just sadness or feeling bad about things having gone wrong; the impact of my current state upon my self esteem and the impact of my current state upon my functioning. I do not like myself at the moment. I 100% believe in practising self-compassion and self-care but I would be a lie to say that I love myself right now. I've noticed a pattern within my life that when I am going through a real low or depressive period I become super self-critical, I focus entirely on my mistakes and I am truly convinced that I am a terrible person, to the extent that I don't really want to be myself anymore. It's hard to explain because it's more than low confidence, it affects every aspect of how I see myself. On top of this when I am in a low place my executive functioning and ability to enjoy tasks takes a hit. I am able to do the things that I need to do to keep up appearances (go to university, go to work, etc.) but my self care can suffer and tasks I usually enjoy either become meh or an active source of anxiety. I don't feel social and I either want to be alone or my room or alone in a large crowd. I have also noticed recently that my anxiety has been worse and I constantly overthinking, potentially due in part to some nervous exhaustion.

One particular unnerving development in my recent struggle is a sudden peak in my pulling. You may or may not know that I have a condition called trichotillomania, an impulse control disorder characterised by hair pulling which is extremely difficult or impossible to control. In under a week I have lost almost a year and a half's worth of growing progress. Mental health and trichotillomania aren't necessarily co-dependent, as you can struggle with pulling even when you are in a good place, but they can be interwoven. Mental distress can, and has for me, worsen the pulling. Trich is hard because it's not just about the hair loss, it's about the fact that you are causing it and what it symbolises, and it's the fact that for the majority of people with trichotillomania it's a life long condition. At this time I am also finding it especially hard because I am in increasingly more situations where evident hair loss could be more a problem. The loss does hurt.

I am trying to get support but am currently struggling with the mental health system. My GP is not in the trust in which I live and other services I have tried to access either have extensive waiting lists or don't consider my problems severe enough for their treatments. They tell you to get help and to try to get better but then it just feels like a hundred doors shutting in front of you. Trying to get help is often tiring and demotivating.

I am lucky because I have people who care about me and friends who support me. Please don't worry about me, I have people looking out for me and I want to get better. I just thought it was important to address that we can struggle and that it is okay to struggle. Over the last couple of months I have been angry or upset with myself for struggling but I am now trying to be a little kinder to myself.

Look after yourself.

See you later Alligator!

Freya x

PHOTO SOURCE: https://carersmatternorfolk.org.uk/world-mental-health-day/