Getting Help and Getting Out There: Help and Healing in India
TRIGGER WARNINGS: mental illness, depression, self-harm and trauma
Hi There!
Sorry to have kept quiet for a little bit there but as you may or may not know I have recently moved to India for the study abroad aspect of my degree! The last few weeks have been absolutely hectic, amazing and mind blowing so I thought I'd check in with you on quite an important topic; how I'm doing, how receiving mental health support aided my depression 'recovery' (which is a word I actually want to discuss) and how India surprisingly fits brilliantly with all of this. I feel that it's so important to discuss when things are getting better and becoming manageable because there are too many places on the internet where we can feed our depressive thoughts and not enough where we can receive hope.
Between February and June of this year I was going through what was definitely the worst depressive episode of my entire life. I had external factors contributing to my poor mental health, such as life stress, unhealthy people and relationships and a destructive living situation, as well as my own internal negative thinking. My self-esteem and self-worth was at an all time and in the midst of what could only be described as utter despair I turned to some very unhealthy coping strategies such as self-isolation and self-harm, not out of what felt like choice but rather desperation and a sense of being completely overwhelmed by darkness. I hated everything; my myself, my situation, my feelings. I don't say all this for pity or to be dramatic but because I know so many people have also been in this situation and so many of us feel completely alone when we're in this place. That is one of the main feelings that perpetuate depression in my opinion, this feeling of complete isolation from everyone because of your illness, when really so many other people have been there. I don't say this to devalue your experience but hopefully to make you feel seen.
I not going to lie and say getting help was easy, it's pretty evident that the mental health service in this country needs some serious TLC. The main problem I experienced as an autistic individual is the fact that individual trusts within the NHS can't communicate with each other to a large enough extent, meaning that my doctors in my home town couldn't refer me to any London based services for help. The idea of having to find and communicate with an entirely new GP was terrifying to me as an autistic individual but after 4 months of going to my home GP and receiving very little help beyond my medication and websites to look at it became essential to seek London based help, especially after a particularly bad day resulted in an A&E visit. It was the best decision I could have made.
I was able to find some brilliant youth based support while waiting for CBT therapy. Both these resources did wonders helping me work on my self-worth and managing negative thoughts. I don't know what I would have done without the support of the youth service while I was on the waiting list for CBT and both of these provided me with so many skills and a much greater sense of self-esteem. It was working, building upon my ability to be vulnerable and open up, as well as being able to take on the skills and ideas that were being given to me. Without this therapy and support prior my year abroad would have appeared impossible with the lack of self-belief I had in February.
Hi There!
Sorry to have kept quiet for a little bit there but as you may or may not know I have recently moved to India for the study abroad aspect of my degree! The last few weeks have been absolutely hectic, amazing and mind blowing so I thought I'd check in with you on quite an important topic; how I'm doing, how receiving mental health support aided my depression 'recovery' (which is a word I actually want to discuss) and how India surprisingly fits brilliantly with all of this. I feel that it's so important to discuss when things are getting better and becoming manageable because there are too many places on the internet where we can feed our depressive thoughts and not enough where we can receive hope.
Between February and June of this year I was going through what was definitely the worst depressive episode of my entire life. I had external factors contributing to my poor mental health, such as life stress, unhealthy people and relationships and a destructive living situation, as well as my own internal negative thinking. My self-esteem and self-worth was at an all time and in the midst of what could only be described as utter despair I turned to some very unhealthy coping strategies such as self-isolation and self-harm, not out of what felt like choice but rather desperation and a sense of being completely overwhelmed by darkness. I hated everything; my myself, my situation, my feelings. I don't say all this for pity or to be dramatic but because I know so many people have also been in this situation and so many of us feel completely alone when we're in this place. That is one of the main feelings that perpetuate depression in my opinion, this feeling of complete isolation from everyone because of your illness, when really so many other people have been there. I don't say this to devalue your experience but hopefully to make you feel seen.
“whatever you are feeling right now, there is a mathematical certainty that someone is feeling that exact thing. This is not to say you aren't special. This is to say thank god you aren't special.”
Neil Hilborn, Our Numbered Days
I not going to lie and say getting help was easy, it's pretty evident that the mental health service in this country needs some serious TLC. The main problem I experienced as an autistic individual is the fact that individual trusts within the NHS can't communicate with each other to a large enough extent, meaning that my doctors in my home town couldn't refer me to any London based services for help. The idea of having to find and communicate with an entirely new GP was terrifying to me as an autistic individual but after 4 months of going to my home GP and receiving very little help beyond my medication and websites to look at it became essential to seek London based help, especially after a particularly bad day resulted in an A&E visit. It was the best decision I could have made.
I was able to find some brilliant youth based support while waiting for CBT therapy. Both these resources did wonders helping me work on my self-worth and managing negative thoughts. I don't know what I would have done without the support of the youth service while I was on the waiting list for CBT and both of these provided me with so many skills and a much greater sense of self-esteem. It was working, building upon my ability to be vulnerable and open up, as well as being able to take on the skills and ideas that were being given to me. Without this therapy and support prior my year abroad would have appeared impossible with the lack of self-belief I had in February.
i hold you and whisper
but everything can heal”
I am now in a much better place. That isn't to say that everything is easy and that I don't have bad days. Any survivor of mental illness and self-harm can vouch that the road of recovery isn't really one of destination but rather small steps everyday, and for me personally based on my experience I do believe that my depressive tendencies and self-esteem issues are something that I am always going to live with, for many reasons. I do also still carry trauma and emotional scars from the external aspects of my depressive episode. But these aren't things that have to limit me or bring me down but rather just extra hurdles to manage in order to show the world my greatness. I am now working on not eradicating negative thoughts but rather being able to acknowledge, sit with and process them without allowing them to influence how I live or my own self-image. The life of someone who has or does struggle with depression doesn't have to be a depressing one.
I do truly believe that India is and will be part of my road to recovery. It is providing me with distant from those things that have hurt me, the space to explore who I want to be, the stiller energy that better suits my own nature and the opportunity to prove to myself my own strength. This isn't to say that I don't miss home or the people I love, but rather I am excited that I will be able to take all the lessons I am learning back to that part of my life and those spaces and relationships. The chance to further practice my own resilience within an opportunity of positivity rather than trauma is only building upon my self-worth. It isn't easy to move to another continent for 6 months to learn a language but I am doing it and facing every new experience and obstacle as a challenge rather than a disaster. I no longer see the small hiccups as me drowning, as me failing, but rather I am enjoying the waves and admiring my own strength in being able to ride them out. I am also excelling in the tranquility of my current space. I am learning to thrive rather than just survive again. My outlook is changing. I hate to sound like a hippie traveler and I realise every environment has it flaws, but I am finding things I truly needed here and I think that it is good to acknowledge.
I am writing this to say to anyone else who struggles and lives with mental illness that there is hope. I know better than some that it isn't easy, that it is anything but easy, but you can learn to love yourself and find places and people with which you can thrive. There are so many people who provided those spaces and relationships for me back home and to those people (you know who you are) I can never say thank you enough.
Please feel free to share this post and my experience because we do need to be having more conversations about mental health.
“Your now is not your forever.”
Look after yourself and know that you are loved.
Frey xxx
(Dusk in Dharmashala, India)
Comments
Post a Comment