An Overwhelming Week: Being Diagnosed with ASC
Hey All!
This week has been a bit of a weird one thus far, and you may have guessed why from the title. On Monday morning I had my long-waited assessment for Autism Spectrum Condition. What I had expected would be a two hour appointment followed by the promise of a diagnosis by post or follow-up appointment ended up being a short chat and a speedy diagnosis. My immediate feeling was one of relief and understanding but it still something I am processing. Paired with jumping straight back into a summer job which I find a lot more overstimulating than it might seem, it all makes for a overwhelming few days.
I say a speedy diagnosis, but this isn't exactly a true description. Not only am I an adult who is only just receiving a diagnosis, but I have also been going to my doctor with fairly regular complaints of anxiety and other issues for a few years now, all of which I can now see could all be, in part, components of this diagnosis. In fact, it was around the time of my a-levels that I first visited my doctor about the possibility of being on the spectrum, telling him how I struggled with social cues and often felt awkward, how I relied heavily upon my intense interests, how I felt a constant need for routine and order. Around this time a couple of my closest friends had gone through assessment, with varying results, and told me how they thought that the symptoms that they had been asked about may fit me. Though not entirely dismissive of the idea, the doctor seemed hesitant to suggest seeking a diagnosis due to the idea that I might just acquire a better social understanding with age and find things easier to cope with in time.
However, after my first year of university the idea still loomed in the back of my mind. I had a great time; I made a small but incredibly close group of friends, tried new things and learnt lots of awesome things. Despite all this I wouldn't say that I had the easiest time. My difficulties in forming and maintaining deeper friendships persisted, meaning that I was never quite as confident as I think people assumed. There were times when I did feel lonely and a tad isolated. This isn't because my friends aren't amazing (my close friends know exactly who they are and love you to bits!), but rather because I've never felt entirely confident initiating conversations (or message chats) and I tend to struggle to cope with lots of people, often preferring a small group of very close friends. I was also still finding myself making the same social mistakes I always had; misreading people, accidentally insulting friends when I meant to compliment them, missing jokes or sarcasm, failing at conversation starters or small talk, etc. I also noticed just how much time to myself I needed, often not feeling entirely up for chatting in the kitchen or the courtyard.
One big thing that university also raised was how sensitive I really was in terms of sensory stimulation. This isn't to say that I never experienced sensory overload before, but rather that living in a big city and in halls helped to highlight these issues. I would often find myself struggling with the noise of living in Kings Cross, hating the sounds of people walking past my window or cars zooming past. It really didn't help my window had a metal cage on it that would rattle through the room whenever it was knocked. I also noticed how easily I would meltdown after too much sensory or social stimulation. Good examples of this would be after nights-out or days out with friends. It wasn't necessarily that I hadn't had a good time, because often I did, but rather that the noise and lights and chit-chats of most student social spaces was all a little too much. One clear example of this was returning from a trip with friends on the train, already socially and physically tired, and the noise of people and the bright white lights were all too much; as soon as I got home I started crying. I've also realised how much change can trigger the same reaction, having a meltdown a day in the week leading up to moving out of halls. All this meant that I noticed spikes in my reliance of my special interests.
So after all this I returned to the doctors in May. Funnily enough the journey from uni to my doctors back home triggered a similar reaction to those described above, as a 3 hour delay in the trains just didn't compute in my brain. Following this appointment I was given a referral, which lead to a pre-assessment and an assessment and eventually a diagnosis, and now were here. While there are certain things about which we can never be sure, this diagnosis potentially explains so much. It may explain why as a child I struggle to make friends within my peer group, often preferring to chat with teachers or amuse myself. It may explain why at times I have been seen to be quite tactless and rude but also so desperate to be polite. It explains why I hate eye contact and am often a little too literal. It explains why I hate certain foods for their texture and deconstruct my meals, and it explains why I've always hated certain fabrics on my skin. It may explain why I spin and fidget and chew. It explains why I've obsessed over SO many things in my lifetime (especially Winnie the Pooh!). It may explain some of the tantrums I had growing up and how sometimes I don't like to be touched. It definitely seems to explain why I HATE change and LOVE routine.
This isn't to say it's excuse for my mistakes but simply that now I have a explanation for why I've sometimes felt a little odd or as though I didn't get given the rules. I'm still the same person but now I can explain myself when I'm struggling and I don't have to feel bad when I find something hard. Now I can ask for support when I need it.
Ultimately, I'm so glad to have had a doctor who didn't doubt me and listened to my experiences but I'm still processing this and struggling with that little voice that says "you're not really autistic, you're making it all up." So to those who know me offline; it might be nice if you're a little patient with me this week, and to those who only now me online; this might explain the feelings I've expressed in my last couple of posts.
If you're curious and wish to find out more, a lot of the information I accessed leading up assessment was from autistic youtubers. I few I would recommend would include Invisible I (photo/video above), Connor Ward and Purple Ella :)
I may do more posts about ASC as I find my footing if anyone would like that!
Here's to a calmer next couple of days!
See you later Alligators!
Freya x
PHOTO SOURCES:
https://incluzy.com/benefits-employing-individuals-autism/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wKb5TUX49U (I found this video particularly useful/helpful as a young female seeking diagnosis <3)
This week has been a bit of a weird one thus far, and you may have guessed why from the title. On Monday morning I had my long-waited assessment for Autism Spectrum Condition. What I had expected would be a two hour appointment followed by the promise of a diagnosis by post or follow-up appointment ended up being a short chat and a speedy diagnosis. My immediate feeling was one of relief and understanding but it still something I am processing. Paired with jumping straight back into a summer job which I find a lot more overstimulating than it might seem, it all makes for a overwhelming few days.
I say a speedy diagnosis, but this isn't exactly a true description. Not only am I an adult who is only just receiving a diagnosis, but I have also been going to my doctor with fairly regular complaints of anxiety and other issues for a few years now, all of which I can now see could all be, in part, components of this diagnosis. In fact, it was around the time of my a-levels that I first visited my doctor about the possibility of being on the spectrum, telling him how I struggled with social cues and often felt awkward, how I relied heavily upon my intense interests, how I felt a constant need for routine and order. Around this time a couple of my closest friends had gone through assessment, with varying results, and told me how they thought that the symptoms that they had been asked about may fit me. Though not entirely dismissive of the idea, the doctor seemed hesitant to suggest seeking a diagnosis due to the idea that I might just acquire a better social understanding with age and find things easier to cope with in time.
However, after my first year of university the idea still loomed in the back of my mind. I had a great time; I made a small but incredibly close group of friends, tried new things and learnt lots of awesome things. Despite all this I wouldn't say that I had the easiest time. My difficulties in forming and maintaining deeper friendships persisted, meaning that I was never quite as confident as I think people assumed. There were times when I did feel lonely and a tad isolated. This isn't because my friends aren't amazing (my close friends know exactly who they are and love you to bits!), but rather because I've never felt entirely confident initiating conversations (or message chats) and I tend to struggle to cope with lots of people, often preferring a small group of very close friends. I was also still finding myself making the same social mistakes I always had; misreading people, accidentally insulting friends when I meant to compliment them, missing jokes or sarcasm, failing at conversation starters or small talk, etc. I also noticed just how much time to myself I needed, often not feeling entirely up for chatting in the kitchen or the courtyard.
One big thing that university also raised was how sensitive I really was in terms of sensory stimulation. This isn't to say that I never experienced sensory overload before, but rather that living in a big city and in halls helped to highlight these issues. I would often find myself struggling with the noise of living in Kings Cross, hating the sounds of people walking past my window or cars zooming past. It really didn't help my window had a metal cage on it that would rattle through the room whenever it was knocked. I also noticed how easily I would meltdown after too much sensory or social stimulation. Good examples of this would be after nights-out or days out with friends. It wasn't necessarily that I hadn't had a good time, because often I did, but rather that the noise and lights and chit-chats of most student social spaces was all a little too much. One clear example of this was returning from a trip with friends on the train, already socially and physically tired, and the noise of people and the bright white lights were all too much; as soon as I got home I started crying. I've also realised how much change can trigger the same reaction, having a meltdown a day in the week leading up to moving out of halls. All this meant that I noticed spikes in my reliance of my special interests.
So after all this I returned to the doctors in May. Funnily enough the journey from uni to my doctors back home triggered a similar reaction to those described above, as a 3 hour delay in the trains just didn't compute in my brain. Following this appointment I was given a referral, which lead to a pre-assessment and an assessment and eventually a diagnosis, and now were here. While there are certain things about which we can never be sure, this diagnosis potentially explains so much. It may explain why as a child I struggle to make friends within my peer group, often preferring to chat with teachers or amuse myself. It may explain why at times I have been seen to be quite tactless and rude but also so desperate to be polite. It explains why I hate eye contact and am often a little too literal. It explains why I hate certain foods for their texture and deconstruct my meals, and it explains why I've always hated certain fabrics on my skin. It may explain why I spin and fidget and chew. It explains why I've obsessed over SO many things in my lifetime (especially Winnie the Pooh!). It may explain some of the tantrums I had growing up and how sometimes I don't like to be touched. It definitely seems to explain why I HATE change and LOVE routine.
This isn't to say it's excuse for my mistakes but simply that now I have a explanation for why I've sometimes felt a little odd or as though I didn't get given the rules. I'm still the same person but now I can explain myself when I'm struggling and I don't have to feel bad when I find something hard. Now I can ask for support when I need it.
Ultimately, I'm so glad to have had a doctor who didn't doubt me and listened to my experiences but I'm still processing this and struggling with that little voice that says "you're not really autistic, you're making it all up." So to those who know me offline; it might be nice if you're a little patient with me this week, and to those who only now me online; this might explain the feelings I've expressed in my last couple of posts.
If you're curious and wish to find out more, a lot of the information I accessed leading up assessment was from autistic youtubers. I few I would recommend would include Invisible I (photo/video above), Connor Ward and Purple Ella :)
I may do more posts about ASC as I find my footing if anyone would like that!
Here's to a calmer next couple of days!
See you later Alligators!
Freya x
PHOTO SOURCES:
https://incluzy.com/benefits-employing-individuals-autism/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wKb5TUX49U (I found this video particularly useful/helpful as a young female seeking diagnosis <3)
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