Struggling with Struggling
It can be hard sometimes to maintain confidence when you can find things objectively more difficult than those around you. This is a feeling I've struggled with all my life; why are things harder for me? We're told to be grateful and I swear that I try to be; self-pity has never really been my style, but it can be hard not to be a little jaded after a period of reoccurring meltdowns or nagging back pain. Sometimes I get frustrated with the idea that I shouldn't be angry or feel that it's unfair, that I should lucky 100% of the time that I don't have it as bad as some other people. It can also be extremely difficult not to become critical of myself, not to hate my brain and body for not working the way that I want them to.
I am 20 years old and more often than not my various conditions can leave me feeling simultaneously 12 and 70. My anxiety, emotional vulnerability and executive functioning difficulties can leave me feeling like a scared child while my creaking joints and aching muscles make me feel like a little old lady, fragile and limited. Ultimately the most difficult part of all this is being 20 years old, being told to just grow up or having my physical difficulties dismissed, being made to feel invisible. The way the world sees is that at the point in my life I shouldn't be facing these challenges and therefore their not truly valid. The result of this is lacking the support that may help while also struggling with the fact that I am struggling. It can be hard to accept that at 20 I'm still struggling with the same emotional and social hurdles I've been facing since childhood and that I'm already struggling with some of the physical strains many of my peers won't face for another 50 years.
I know the solution isn't to be self-defeating or to blame ourselves, the hurdles we face our not of our creation and we should be proud of those which we have already overcome; it is truly our differences that make us beautiful. However, it is difficult to keep this in mind when there feels as though there is no support or representation for those in our position. It is difficult to remember that we are amazing just as we are when we feel completely alone, when we feel as though no one is struggling in the way that we are, when it society makes us feel as though we are the ones with the problem. How often on television do you see a young professional with a walking stick or an adult having a meltdown while those around them attempt to create a stigma free space? How often do those of us within the disabled community go to a doctor about a difficulty we've been facing and feel heard first time? How often are those of us with invisible conditions made comfortable using priority seats or accessible toilets?
I'm tired of feeling frustrated about the things I struggle with but I don't really real progress coming until society removes the stigma around disability and makes greater strives towards being truly accessible. I imagine I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I am 20 years old and more often than not my various conditions can leave me feeling simultaneously 12 and 70. My anxiety, emotional vulnerability and executive functioning difficulties can leave me feeling like a scared child while my creaking joints and aching muscles make me feel like a little old lady, fragile and limited. Ultimately the most difficult part of all this is being 20 years old, being told to just grow up or having my physical difficulties dismissed, being made to feel invisible. The way the world sees is that at the point in my life I shouldn't be facing these challenges and therefore their not truly valid. The result of this is lacking the support that may help while also struggling with the fact that I am struggling. It can be hard to accept that at 20 I'm still struggling with the same emotional and social hurdles I've been facing since childhood and that I'm already struggling with some of the physical strains many of my peers won't face for another 50 years.
I know the solution isn't to be self-defeating or to blame ourselves, the hurdles we face our not of our creation and we should be proud of those which we have already overcome; it is truly our differences that make us beautiful. However, it is difficult to keep this in mind when there feels as though there is no support or representation for those in our position. It is difficult to remember that we are amazing just as we are when we feel completely alone, when we feel as though no one is struggling in the way that we are, when it society makes us feel as though we are the ones with the problem. How often on television do you see a young professional with a walking stick or an adult having a meltdown while those around them attempt to create a stigma free space? How often do those of us within the disabled community go to a doctor about a difficulty we've been facing and feel heard first time? How often are those of us with invisible conditions made comfortable using priority seats or accessible toilets?
I'm tired of feeling frustrated about the things I struggle with but I don't really real progress coming until society removes the stigma around disability and makes greater strives towards being truly accessible. I imagine I'm not the only one who feels this way.
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